Bad news…

Cancer

Ffs I hate this thing. It has taken so many people, leaving hurt for the ones I love! And here it goes again.

So my aunt has been battling with cancer for the last few years. Fighting hard but now, now when everyone is self isolating, it happens now. The dreaded text from your mum, who loves 120 miles away saying it’s spread and it won’t be long, let’s hope it’s peaceful.

Now I really do want it to be peaceful. Peaceful for her and with little hurt as possible. But I find some comfort that she will no longer be in pain. Confined to oxygen and pain killers, unable to get out of bed, unable to see the ones closest to her due to Covid-19.

I sit here and think, hope, that she’ll be reunited with loved ones, her dad especially when she goes. But it makes me sad. I feel sad, I’m going to miss her, my beautiful aunt but I feel more sad for the ones left.

Her husband who will be alone. Struggling to adjust to life not revolving around cancer. Struggling to adjust to life alone. His hurt, hurts me. My mum, not being close to her to hug her (I’m not sure I’ll be able not too) whilst she grieves her loss. My other aunt and uncle loosing their sister. My Nan, loosing her daughter. My cousin’s loosing their mum. This is where my tears fall. The pain they’ll feel and not being able to do anything. No-one can do anything really. Just find some comfort that she’ll be free. And I’ll say another hello when I see a Robin in the garden.

The dream…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve known I’ve wanted to be a mum. Now there’s no sob story here, just in a same sex relationship so things are more difficult. Now is the right time to pursue it. We’re in a good stable place. But we obviously have to go through other means.

So I’ve already had tests done. Everything seems in order. Obviously the loose weight conversation came up – “Don’t let your BMI to increase at all”. So now we wait…

Wait for approval to donate eggs. My girlfriend asked how I’d feel, if they got pregnant and we didn’t. But do you know what. If I could help someone fullfil their dream, the same dream as mine, then I want to, because God forbid I couldn’t myself then I would need help from someone else.

The next is to wait for things to return to ‘normal’.

Finally is to wait for donor sperm.

The binge

So… You turn to the food. Nice breakfasts, crisps, chocolate, crisps, ice cream, oh yeah ice cream, biscuits. Biscuits are my weakness. Tea and biscuits! One leads to another and another…

You start with telling yourself, ‘right one bad breakfast then back on it.’ Then it’s ‘well I’ve had that so might as well have something else.’ Just one more then maybe one more. Oh well Monday is a new week, new start. You can do this! And like that a whole weekend off ‘plan.’

And actually I can. Fuck the thoughts that I won’t get there. Fuck everyone else. One day at a time that’s it. Try new things and cook new things. I like cooking actually, when the motivation comes. And actually I sat there, Sunday night feeling full and bloated and generally bluh!

So now I need to do it for me. For my own small goals. For what I want in the future. For now anyway, my mindset changes rather quick.

They say ‘it doesn’t matter about the pounds, I bet you’ve lost inches. You’re getting fitter’ But do you know what inches don’t count. I appreciate it, I do they trying to comfort me, reassure me. But I want my annoyance to be acknowledged because BMI counts. “BMI needs to go down.” This is what I get told, for my dream, my dream I’ve wanted since I can remember. A baby….

Loose weight, exercise… blah blah

Is anyone else tired of hearing this? Don’t you think I know this? Don’t you think I tell myself this all the time? It’s harder than that…

It’s just not that easy… You have competition. Competition against someone else. Competition against yourself. Competition against life. Something always seems to tear it down. Someone else beating you, making you feel less successful of your own achievements. “You’re doing great, keeping going.” “Wow that’s good, a pound in a week but they lost 5 pounds, wow they are great, something else.” And poof like that, gone. Your week of getting up early morning doing p.e. with Joe Wicks, eating healthier than you have in year’s, tracking everything, really trying more than any other time, gone. Well it makes you feel shit. And what do you do to make yourself feel better, eat. Of course, you turn to your old friend that makes you feel better, chocolate, cake, crisps. Yep and it helps for a while…

Me. My life… Normal, complicated.

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” J.K. Rowling

Life… Work, weight loss, relationship, family, children, day to day life…

I am me. I overthink things. I underestimate things. I play things out in my mind. I worry about things and do nothing about it. This blog will help me and hopefully others… No-one is alone.